Wednesday, July 23, 2003
A sermon about lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Clifford
at
11:00 PM
Monday, July 21, 2003
~~Heavn + Hell = Earth~~
Doing this great deed
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
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Punishment for Gates
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
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Qualifying for Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Clifford
at 7:55 PM
~~ Jokez again....~~
Last Request
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
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The new CIA agents
Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it.
They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out, so get out."
The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out."
Finally, the third candidate's wife was left in the adjacent room. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third man and said, "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshot, followed by a huge commotion in the room.
The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, "You gave me blanks, so I had to choke her."
Clifford
at 7:05 PM
~~ Jokez again....~~
Last Request
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
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The new CIA agents
Three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret agents. They finally got through all their written and physical tests when they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who took them to a small room with another room adjacent to it.
They brought the first guy's wife into the room and left her there. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the first man saying, "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room. He came back out one minute later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out, so get out."
The second candidate's wife was brought to the room. The instructor then loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the second man and said, "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room, but returned three minutes later and said, "I can't do it." The instructor replied, "Then you fail out - get out."
Finally, the third candidate's wife was left in the adjacent room. The instructor loaded two rounds into a pistol, handed it to the third man and said, "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee took the weapon, went into the next room where there is silence for one minute. Suddenly, there was the sound of two gunshot, followed by a huge commotion in the room.
The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and said, "You gave me blanks, so I had to choke her."
Clifford
at 7:01 PM
Sunday, July 20, 2003
~~Shoplifers~~
Warning to shoplifters: Anyone caught shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any survivors will be prosecuted
Clifford
at 8:43 PM
~~Try to catch the rabbit~~
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
Clifford
at 7:30 PM
~~:D:D Police Turn Now :D:D~~
Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
Lawyers, You now can laugh at police officers....
Clifford
at 6:46 PM
[ ~Relax~ ]
kk..... I know my views might be kind of lame and lengthy.. So here are some jokes to chill on....
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The devil visited a young lawyer’s office and made him an offer.
“I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls and their children’s souls must rot in hell for eternity.”
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, “What’s the catch?”
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Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
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A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?"
He answered no to the question.
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."
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Had fun laughing at lawyers?? Haha.... I'll try to find more jokes on other profession so that lawyers can laugh at them as well.... Hahaha... So at the mean time, lawyers, please chill with me for awhile...
Clifford
at 4:30 PM
~~ My First View ~~
I always wonder if people look down on normal academic people like me. You see, if people ask which stream I went into, they would as in this way “ You go express or special?�. This way, I think people look down on normal academic pupils. Each time I think of this, my hear sinks. I wonder why people look down on us. Are we that bad? Are we that dumb that we have to be put into another category? We are the same as the express students. It’s just that we have to take one more year to catch up with their syllabus. We study the same subjects as them. But the government is being unfair to us. He gives the express students more subjects to learn. Take for example an express class can get to study pure sciences but not the normal academic class. We cannot study this as the government says that we have to concentrate on our studies. We are already concentrating hard and have to be giving a chance to study those subjects. If the government let us study these subjects, the pupils in the normal academic stream will not be deprive and think that they are lousier then the express students. One of my friends told me that the reason why the school does not want us to study more subjects is because the school was afraid that the normal academic will not but in any effort and fail the paper which will pull down the percentage of passes in the school. That is why the school did not let us study extra subjects and the school was not willing to take the risk. But if that is the case, express students tend to be able to get hold of better-paid jobs and more stable jobs due to their education. They can get into Junior Collage and Polythenic better than the normal academic students.
Many people also think that we are incapable of doing express things like doing the same projects or studying the same chapter as them. They often think that we study a different textbook from them or is always slower then them by a few months. Every time an express student come and see my textbook and comment on how slow we are form them and how fast the express are, I will just keep quiet and pretend nothing had happened.
But I still like my normal academic steam friends. We are bonded together and are always there for you. If you have troubles, your friends are always waiting for you. They are ready to help and are there to comfort you. Some may even cry with you. We people rolled into one big family. We stand together and are not ashamed of anything. We usually try to be supporters and cheer people up. Most of the express friends are groups of 5-10. In a class, you can see one group other here, one group over there and groups are scattered everywhere. They do not have the special bonding normal academic pupils have.
But all in all, the express and the normal academic pupils can work well. Its just a matter of time and how. In my CCA, my express friend came out with a motto, “ Want To Disappear, Disappear together.� With this phrase, I feel that the some of the express people do not look down on us. That is what is good of my CCA. We don’t care about ones status. We just work together as many bodies combined into one body.
Clifford
at 4:14 PM
Haha... Finally i can publish some of my thoughts on the web... I can't keep them forever you know... In this 'journal', there are jokes and some of my thoughts and lots and lots of 'haha'... hahah... Don't blame me.. I'm a natural joker.. But the jokes I'm putting here are not really mine.. They belongs to some one else.. But not to worry.. More jokes coming right up.... I'll try to update this cute little webbie of mine everyday, so it can relate more of me to you.. Haha... If some how you find this page nicer, you have to thank my teacher who introduced this blog thing to me... She has her own webbie and that's http://englishey.blogspot.com/.. I hope it just link it to her page... you see, I'm not really good at my computer skills.. I was hoping this blog page will try to help me improve my IT skills... Haha... And improve my laughing skills.... hahahaha....
Clifford
at 3:26 PM
Lawyer Jokezz.... Dun get offended lawyerz....
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
Clifford
at 3:11 PM
